Dane

PRE MISSION

The earliest memory that I have about missionary service was when I was probably about five years old.  I remember I was in the basement of my friends house.  In a circle sat me, Brad, and Kylee.  I remember we just sat there talking about our hopes and dreams of when each of us would grow up.  Brad began to talk about serving a mission and then that got Kylee all excited and she excitedly exclaimed she wanted to serve too.  Then it came to me and I simply said something along the lines of, "I don't know if I want to go or I'm not sure if I can leave my family."  They both gave me very confused looks..  They went on to say that if I didn't serve a mission I would probably end up smoking or doing something naughty like that haha.

Senior year began and I realized that a lot of change was coming my way.  Not only did I have school, swim, family, friends, and a girlfriend to worry about.  I also had to focus on preparing for my mission.  I was old enough that as soon as I completed high school I had the opportunity to leave on my mission.  Once 2nd semester began (January) I started on my mission papers.  For me it was an extremely slow process because of my history with anxiety and OCD.  I remember marking a "three" in the anxiety bubble when it probably should have been a "four" out of five.  Same for OCD.  When I submitted my papers I was contacted by LDS Family Services because they wanted to check up on my anxiety and OCD to see if I was ready.  That was a little discouraging because I was so ready to leave and start my life!  I met with them and acted as calm and cool as I could be just so they would pass me off.  It worked haha!

On July 5th I received my call from the Prophet that I would be serving in the Buenos Aires North Mission and I would have to report to the MTC on October 10, 2012.  I had about 4 months until I reported.  In the time that I should have been studying "Preach My Gospel" and the scriptures I worked and made memories with friends instead.  On September 17, 2012 I had the sacred opportunity of going through the temple.  I can't even begin to describe how amazing that experience was for me.  It also made me realize that my mission adventure was coming a lot faster than I expected.

MISSION

On October 10, 2012 I was dropped off at the MTC.  It was a very emotional experience because my family is really close knit.  Despite all of the tears I couldn't stop smiling because everything felt right.  I was then lead to a room full of elders.  It's interesting because when I walked in and first met them it's as if we all knew each other before this life.  I swear I recognized them but I didn't even know them?!  The first day was crazy!  It seemed like so many things were being thrown at us and it was really hard to keep up at times.  Finally when we went to bed I just sat there and tears ran down my face until I fell asleep.  I was never good with "change" and I missed my family and everything so much.  Each day after that got better and better.  I was learning so much about the Gospel and what my responsibility is in this life.  The love of My Savior was in my heart!  I would cry in any spiritual instance that I had because the Spirit was so strong.  Now, because the Spirit was so strong I strived to be better in every aspect of my life.  I started to recall everything that I had done in my life back at home.  Then the guilt came.  So I did what the Spirit prompted me to do.  I went and talked to my mission president about everything.  He reassured me that I was fine and that my service was still needed.  I thought walking away from that meeting was going to be a happy experience but it wasn't..  I still felt like something was "off."

I began to pray and pray whenever I had the chance.  When I didn't pray I read my Patriarchal Blessing nonstop.  Finally the answer came to me..  I needed to return home.  Yes, I have always suffered because of my anxiety and OCD but the prompting to return was far greater than my mental disability.  It was a very hard thing to do.  Feeling very discouraged one night while with my companion I fell silent.  I believe that the following event that took place was inspiration from my Heavenly Father.  My companion began to say, "Elder Ostergaard, I don't know what you're feeling or what you're going through but I do know that a mission is not a requirement for you to enter into The Kingdom of Heaven."  I needed to hear those words and I am so very thankful that my companion was courageous enough to say them.  The next day I met with a counselor to call my dad..  As I cried my dad listened to me with a humble heart.  I am thankful that the Spirit was with him.  My parents came to the MTC to pick me up at around 12 pm on October 17, 2012.  Exactly one week from when I entered the MTC.

POST MISSION

When I got home I didn't want anyone to know.  Deep down I already felt like I had failed Heavenly Father and my family so I didn't want to add "everyone else" to that group.  Unfortunately my sister just had to go get married a week after I got back haha.  Of course being her brother I had to go and show my face to my whole extended family and pose for a lot of pictures that would later be posted on Facebook.  A lot of confused family members didn't know what to say?  When the pictures were posted I received a lot of texts and messages asking if I was really home?

During the first couple of months of being back I felt like I had to explain to everyone that "I CAME BACK BECAUSE OF ANXIETY, DID YOU HEAR ME?  I CAME BACK BECAUSE OF ANXIETY."  I wanted everyone to know that this wasn't necessarily my choice but it was what Heavenly Father wanted.  Months and months passed and I felt the same way every single day.  "Why is this happening to me?"  "Am I really here or is this just a bad dream?"  I refused to accept reality.  I became so scared of showing my face that it was hard to go out in public.  I felt I didn't deserve blessings of any type so I didn't go to church.  I was inactive for a year.

MY COMEBACK

During the month of September, 2013 my bishop and stake president stopped by.  They greeted me with smiles and asked me how I was doing.  It was at that point that I realized that I couldn't do this on my own any longer.  I put aside the pride within my soul and I poured out everything to the two men.  They listened to me and they asked what could be done?  I just said, "I don't want anyone else to go through what I have gone through."

From then on my life has continually been blessed.  I now have the opportunity to help others like me to get back on their feet and hold their heads up high.  I realize now that we have to put aside our pride and ask for help because it is ALWAYS there.  If I had the chance to go back in time and change things I WOULD NOT.  This experience has humbled my heart and has made me into a much more thankful Son of God.  Notice how I call myself a Son of God.  I am not defined as some failed missionary.  I am a Son of God and my potential is limitless.  I love the opportunity that Heavenly Father gave me and I pray for more and more each day.  If you are reading this please don't forget to START FRESH and ASK FOR HELP because YOU DESERVE IT!

Love,
Dane Taylor Ostergaard